


Don't Carry It All

by visionshadows



Series: Her Journey Bright and Pure [14]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Lack of Communication, M/M, Other, Relationship Issues, Therapy, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 02:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/visionshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Support goes both ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Carry It All

Geno sat down across from Pamela, twisting the bottle of water he had between his hands. He set it on the table and then picked it back up again, his leg bouncing.

“Geno, are you okay?”

Geno huffed out a laugh. “I always okay. No one worry about me, just Sidney.”

“What happened since last week?” asked Pamela.

“Sidney and I fight last night. I go back to my house overnight, take Jeffrey. I get call from Taylor, tell me Sidney crying, upset. What I do?” Geno shook his head. “All I do was remind her to take off lipstick. She start yelling at me. Tell me I not her keeper. I control her too much. She be better off if she never tell me. If I not love her.”

Geno’s voice cracked and he looked at Pamela. “Taylor tell me I have to be better. Mario say it bad for game if Sidney get too upset. I ask, who listen to me when I upset? When Sidney hurt me?”

“I take it Sergei wasn’t available after this fight?” Pamela asked. She pushed the tissue box towards Geno.

Geno shook his head. “He have game. Ksenia busy with girls. I go home, talk to Jeffrey. He no help. Then I get yelled at again and no one listen when I say it not my fault.”

“You’re allowed to be upset with Sidney,” Pamela reminded him. “You’re allowed to feel angry and hurt that the support people are offering Sidney isn’t being offered to you as well.”

“It not easy,” Geno said quietly. “Those who know think it easy for me. Just accept, love, take everything Sidney give, not want more. I just want someone to say ‘Geno, how are you? How you doing living with Sidney and not being able to touch her most of time? Not being allowed to sleep in your own bed?; They not know so they don’t ask.”

“I’m asking. How are you, Geno?”

“Lonely,” Geno answered honestly. “I not share bed with Sidney since I get back from Russia. Occasionally nap before game, but not at night. I want so bad, Pam. Not even sex. Just close.”

“When was the last time the two of you had sex?” asked Pamela curiously. 

“Before I leave for Worlds. Not since I get back after lockout. It like she forgot how to be with me. Got used to just being alone again, not willing to let me back in.”

“What has Sidney offered since you returned?” 

Geno shrugged. “Sometimes she hug, kiss me. Most of the time she just put her hand on my wrist and that all. I touch her more on ice than at home.”

“Have you asked her about it?”

“No.”

Pamela sighed. “Geno, we’ve talked about this over and over again. You have to tell Sidney how you are feeling. She’s not going to know that you’re upset if you don’t tell her.”

“I tell her I upset. I ask to sleep in bed and she say no. What I supposed to do? Force her?”

“No. You’re supposed to tell her that you have needs too and sometimes, even though it’s hard for her, she’s got to give a little back. I know you’re not going to push her for sex. I don’t want you to do that. You need to push her to give you some emotional support when you need it.”

Geno fell quiet, twisting the cap off the water bottle and taking a drink. “Sometimes I wish she a man. Less confusing. She so in-between.”

“I would be more worried if you didn’t,” Pamela admitted. “We’ve been meeting for over a year now and this is the first time you’ve ever said that. There is nothing easy about being in a relationship with a transgender person, especially one who won’t transition yet despite the obvious need to be female.”

“She say she not know who she is without hockey but she so much more than hockey,” Geno sighed. “It the identity she comfortable with. Sidney Crosby play hockey. Sidney Crosby must keep up appearances of being normal. Who care about normal?”

“She does and she needs you to as well.”

Geno made a frustrated noise. “I want my girlfriend to want me! Isn’t that normal?”

“Yes,” Pamela said with a nod. “It is normal. It’s just not easy.”

Geno deflated, slumping back on the couch. He played with the water bottle again, not looking at Pamela. 

“Should I ask Sidney if she is willing to do a group session?” asked Pamela. “It’s been a long time since the three of us got together.”

“Yes,” Geno said, his voice sounding defeated. “I need help.”

Pamela moved to sit next to him on the couch. She reached for his hand, squeezing firmly. “You are doing a great job, Geno. Your acceptance of Sidney and who she is has been nothing short of amazing. The two of you have been separated for almost nine months because of hockey. No amount of phone calls or Skyping can take the place of being together. It hasn’t been easy on either of you.”

“You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t need to do everything so carefully in order not to upset Sidney. You know, both from being with her and from reading so much, that there are going to be times where no matter what you do, it’s going to be wrong. She’s going to have days where it doesn’t matter how much you love her and how much she loves you. She’s going to hate herself, hate you, hate me, probably hate everything except hockey. All we can do is wait it out.”

“You think it easier on her if she transition now?” asked Geno seriously.

“It’s not my decision. Only Sidney can make that decision and she’s determined to wait until she’s finished playing hockey. Transitioning won’t be without its own set of problems, one of which will be the world watching while she does it.”

Geno rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m tired, Pam. I want go home and sleep in our bed with her. Maybe Jeffrey snoring nearby and Dixi sleeping on pillow. So bad to want that?”

“Not at all,” Pamela said gently. She squeezed Geno’s hand once more. “Why don’t you go home and relax? I’ll call Sidney and ask to schedule a session with all three of us. When is your next game?”

“Tomorrow night,” Geno said tiredly. “Today only day off until Monday.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Pamela promised. She flipped through her planner. “Is Monday a travel day?”

Geno pulled his phone out. “Yes but only to New Jersey.”

“So it’s a home game Sunday?” asked Pamela. 

“No. In Washington. Friday no good. Coming back from New York,” Geno sighed. “Practice after that. Home game Saturday.”

“This schedule is going to kill you guys,” Pamela said, shaking her head. “We’ll fit it in. We can do it Friday night if we need to.”

“Good thing we pay so well,” Geno said with a laugh. “Work crazy hours because of me and Sidney.”

Pamela smiled at him. “Not just because of you. I would do this for any of my patients.” She shut her planner. “I’ll call Sidney and we’ll figure out a time for the three of us to get together.”

Geno stood up, picking up his water and digging his keys out of his pocket. “Thanks again.”

Pamela shook his hand before he headed out, shutting the door behind him. She sat down in her chair, tapping her pen against the arm for a few moments. She shook her head and wrote a few notes in Geno’s file before putting it away. She had work to do.

 

Geno unlocked the front door, waiting for Jeffrey to start barking. He didn’t hear anything which meant Jeffrey was either upstairs or outside. He had dropped him back off that morning before practice when he’d picked up Sidney. 

Geno went into the kitchen, rummaging around in the fridge for a snack. He was tired, mentally and physically. Practice had been draining and then the session with Pamela took everything else out of him. 

“There’s a few sandwiches in there if you’re hungry,” Sidney said from the doorway. “I made extra.”

Geno pulled back and looked, smiling at her. “Thanks. No time to stop before seeing Pamela.”

“She called and wants the three of us to get together.” Sidney’s arms were crossed over her chest and Geno sighed at the defensive posture.

“I know. I ask.”

“Are you leaving me?” asked Sidney quickly.

Geno furrowed his brow. “No. Why you ask that?”

“You left last night. Took Jeffrey and went home.”

“We fight, Sidney. You tell me I control you, not want me around. So I leave,” Geno set the sandwich on the counter. “I answer phone call all night, get two hour sleep, come home with Jeffrey and go to practice. Mario get mad at me and then I go speak to Pamela. I tired.”

“I told Taylor and Mario not to call you,” Sidney said with a sigh. She dropped her arms. “I was upset. I shouldn’t have called them." 

“You call who you need to call.” 

“Did you call Sergei?” Sidney walked into the room, hovering by the table. 

“No. He have game last night. I talk to Pamela today.” Geno looked at her, his expression sad. “I want to sleep with you in same bed. I need you.”

“I don’t want to have sex,” Sidney said, bringing her arms up again.

“I not ask for sex. I never ask for sex. Listen. Please.” Geno stepped towards her, putting his hands on her biceps. “I need you. Need close. You used to like me touching and holding you even before you my girlfriend. I miss you so much and I just want you …” He trailed off before finishing softly. “I want you to want me near.”

“Oh.” Sidney made a frustrated sound. “Is that why you keep asking to sleep in my room?”

“I thought our room,” Geno said sadly. “Was before. I been sleeping in recliner in den since come back from Russia.”

“There are guest rooms,” Sidney said lamely. “Taylor’s room.”

Geno dropped his hands and went back to the counter. He cut the sandwich in half, his shoulders drooping. “Okay. I sleep there.”

“I want to give you more,” Sidney said after a minute of tense silence. “What can I do?”

“If our bed not option I can accept that.” Geno took a small bite of sandwich. “Maybe touch me more. Sit close on couch. I lonely.”

“I’m always here,” Sidney looked confused. “You’re almost never alone.”

“You know how easy to be lonely when surrounded by people.” Geno pushed the sandwich away. He wasn’t really hungry anymore. “I go nap.”

“Where?” asked Sidney. “I’ll make sure Jeffrey leaves you alone.”

“In den. My blanket and pillow there.” Geno walked over and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Love you, Sidney. Don’t forget.”

Sidney grabbed his wrist, squeezing tight. “I love you too. Please don’t forget that.”

Geno covered her hand with his own, squeezing in return. “Keep reminding me.” She let go and nodded, not looking at him. 

Geno left, heading back to the den he’d been living in. He shook out his blanket and fixed his pillow before settling down on the big recliner. The den was closer to their room than any of the guest rooms or Taylor’s room. If she needed him, he was close by. Right now it was apparently the closest he was going to get to being in her bed.

At least the recliner was comfortable.

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to show a little more Geno and how he is dealing with being in a relationship with Sidney as well as being her primary support at this time. There is an inward focus on herself for Sidney to the detriment of Geno's needs and that needed to be addressed. No relationship is without rough patches and all the patience and understanding in the world is no substitute for communication.


End file.
